Editor’s Note: Graphic content described below.
Sex is the new reason for the season – at least according to women’s magazine Cosmo.
As a part of a “Holiday Sextacular,” Cosmopolitan’s Alyssa Shelasky and a team of “sexperts” transformed the traditional “Twelve Days for Christmas” tune into the “Twelve Days of Sex Moves.” Cosmo’s December issue advertised, “‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ is a classic – full of good cheer, holiday spirit, and … light BDSM right? [for those not up on the sex lingo: Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism].” The piece touted, “Read up on what you and your true love should really give to each other this year.”
Cosmopolitan, self-described  as a “lifestylist for millions of fun, fearless females who want to be the best they can be in every area of their lives,” reaches more than three million subscribers, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulation .
Amidst cartoon figures splattered across the page in different sex positions, Cosmo suggested a sex move per day to woo your man (and perhaps effectively scare him as far away from you as the North Pole). Ladies, here are the “Twelve Days of Sex Moves,” brought to you by Cosmo, and organized into the song format by CMI:
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “drum[ming] on his bum!”
Shelasky explained, “Spankings aren’t just for the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’” and recommended, “start with some soft, quick pats to get his blood flowing. Then spank where his thigh meets his butt – he’s extra sensitive there.” For the daredevils out there, she suggested ordering the men to count their spankings – ahem, sweet love taps – to the “12 Days” song.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love got from me… a “better” blow job.
Getting straight to the point, Shelasky asserted, “The first rule about piping his piper is to do it.” “As you get to work, glance up at him in the most sexy, sultry Scarlett Johansson—like way,” she continued, “and hold his gaze for a few seconds while you sexily lick your lips.” If that doesn’t make a man fall in love, what will?
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “mix[ing] it up.”
“Don’t just lie there,” Shelasky admonished, “switch positions during your romp.” Aim for “deep penetration and maximum clitoral stimulation” – the “gifts you both can enjoy.”
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “bust[ing] a move.”
Once a woman discovers her “own stripper song” – whether that’s Miguel’s “Use Me” or Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” – she should “dance in slo-mo, almost hypnotically.” Shelasky ordered, “Run your hands over your hips, up your body, over your breasts and through your hair. Make piercing eye contact the entire time (a sexy smirk only helps).”
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “get[ting] into character.”
“Surprise him by wearing some skimpy French maid-ish
lingerie. Tickle him with your feather duster, then return to your cleaning
‘duties’.” (She’s referring to these women’s brains, right?) “Once he’s had an
eyeful, lead him to the chambermaid’s room and reward him for his patience.”
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love got from me… “splash[ing] around.”
This one speaks for itself: “Turn down the lights and draw a romantic bath for two, but bring a special friend – a rubber-duckie waterproof vibrator. Let your partner watch you getting wet in the bath (in more ways than one, ha!).” Ha… ha…
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “twist[ing], then shout[ing].”
Feeling animalistic? “Geese mate for life” – and this “concept of eternal intertwinement” should inspire a woman to “wrap your leg over his back.” “Then use a vibrator (an egg-shaped one, natch) around your clit, not on it.” (Dear readers, you can thank me later for sparing the rest of the details on this one.)
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love got from me… a “ring on it."
No, Shelasky didn’t finally come to her senses – who needs a diamond when there’s a “vibrating cock ring” – the truly perfect “stocking stuffer”?
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love got from me… “saying his name.”
“Whisper his name lustfully during sex.” Such a “turn-on.”
On the third day of Christmas my true love got from me… “us[ing] some tongue.”
Instead of “go[ing] straight for the below-the-belt stuff,” Shelasky stressed, “slow down and kiss his cheeks, ears, and neck. It’ll add urgency to the main event.”
On the second day of
Christmas my true love got from me… “coo[ing] a little.”
It’s sharing time! “After sex, caress his skin all over” and
get “touchy-feely,” Shelasky said. She
continued to urge, “Coo into his ear and tell him how happy you are to get to
spend this time together,” and “Open up the conversation so he can tell you how
he’s feeling too.”
On the first day of Christmas my true love got from me… “go[ing] for round two!”
“If you need a little inspiration to climb his pear tree again, invent your own signature position.” “dangle your head, shoulders, and arms off the bed while he’s on top (you’ll get a heady rush; he get a sexy view).” Give the new position “a code name” to “whisper it at his office holiday party to get him excited.”
Cosmo surely does exceed at telling women “who want to be the best they can be in every area of their lives,” how to act like sex objects. In the past, Cosmo also hyped how waiting until the second date for sex was “now considered 100% outdated .”
— Katie Yoder is Staff Writer, Joe and Betty Anderlik Fellow in Culture and Media at the Media Research Center. Follow Katie Yoder on Twitter.