The Critics Chose

The Critics’ Choice Awards are decidedly one of the lesser known of the awards season—first, because they air on a Thursday night on the CW (yes, it still exists), and second, because there are conspicuous A-list absences like J-Law and Christian Bale.

Here are a few gems from Aisha Tyler, the host of the night:

Referring to the nominees:  “I'm only going to pay attention to the ones I'd like to sleep with.”

Talking about Matthew McConaughey: “In The Wolf of Wall Street, Matt's character struggles with casual sex and rampant drug use. Not really struggled. More like owned. Dominated.”

“I'm going to talk and hopefully it's going to get me laid by someone tonight.”

“Like everything else in this needy, soulless town, tonight is all about the stars.”

It has to be hard for an awards show host to make a joke about every best picture nominee when 12 Years a Slave is one of those nominees. Tyler tried.

“I've never seen something so horrible look so pretty. Almost made me want to go back to that time. No, it didn't. Are you kidding me? I drove in a Porsche today after a white guy made me scrambled eggs. Then he took it downtown. You know what I'm talking about.”

Cue awkward audience chuckles.

Usually you see the same ten movies and the same corresponding celebrities throughout the awards season — some more deserving than others. This night was not much of a break from the status quo; however, I was glad to see a well-deserved award go to Lone Survivor and its star, Mark Wahlberg.

Aisha Tyler’s opening line sums up the Critics’ Choice Awards well:

“A night where a bunch of people that absolutely hate movies tell you which movies they hated the least.”