Master of ceremonies: "Good evening and welcome to 'Showbiz Showdown.' Tonight, the Actors battle the Comedians to determine which team is more politically foolish, based on statements our players have recently made. Our panel of judges will score the celebrities' remarks on a ten-point scale. Let's begin with the Actors. First up, Noah Wyle, who plays young Dr. Carter on 'ER.'"
Wyle: "I took part in George magazine's 'If I Were President' feature. When asked 'What's the biggest problem in the world?' I responded, 'The absolute disregard that some kids have for the sanctity of life.' Then, when the question was 'What would you veto every time it hit your desk?' I said, 'Anti-abortion legislation.'"
MC: "Hmm. That's a solid, garden-variety contradiction. You make no sense. The judges give that five points. Next, 'Schindler's List' and 'The Phantom Menace' star Liam Neeson."
Neeson: "My comments also were made to George magazine, in which I said, 'I hate what [Margaret Thatcher] did to...the working class. She broke [its] spirit. And the country only got a chance to emotionally get rid of that when Princess Diana Spencer died...They [cried] not just for the loss of [Diana] but for the loss of who Britain was as working-class people.'"
MC: "Liam, for somehow forgetting that Mrs. Thatcher rose from humble origins, and especially for suggesting that Diana, whatever her virtues, had anything to do with the working class, you are awarded eight points. Finally for the Actors, best known for his role as Jules the hit man in 'Pulp Fiction,' Samuel L. Jackson."
Jackson: "In the June Playboy Interview, I said, 'All those actors out there stumping for this candidate or that candidate, it's [nonsense]. They don't do anything past that. They raise some money and they're out of there...Just pay your taxes. Stop standing up and saying, "We need to lend our money to so-and-so." You make $20 million a picture. Shut...up and give them a million dollars. Don't ask Joe Everyday for $5. He might need that $5. You've got money to burn.'"
MC: "The judges are conferring, and...sorry, Sam, but you made too much sense to earn any points. Remember, contestants, in this game, the dumber your statement, the higher your score. On to the Comedians. First, Dennis Miller."
Miller: "On my June 25 HBO program, I had a doozy: 'The NRA is notorious for sabotaging essentially decent lawmakers who want a little sanity in our nation's gun laws by showering their political opponents with money, and if the anti-gun politician doesn't have an [election] opponent, the NRA will prop up some halfwit, nondescript, right-wing jerkoff with a bad toupee and a midnight cable-access show and run him.'
"But wait, I wasn't finished. A bit later in the show, I blasted the NRA again: 'They always lean on the Constitution, and this just kills me, because...what other thing from 200 years ago do we still adhere to? Do [we] still churn butter?...No, and yet when it comes to the core issues of our country, we whip this thing out. If you brought Thomas Jefferson back today, and [said], "You know what we run our country by? That stupid f--in'...thing you wrote 200 years ago!" he'd look at you and go, "You're s-ttin' me, you a-holes!"'"
MC: "Wow! Abusive rhetoric, brazen elitism, and historical illiteracy! A ten-pointer! Next, George Carlin."
Carlin: "During my concerts both before and after the shootings at Columbine High School - even in a performance later the day of the shootings - I said, 'I didn't worry about guns in school when I was a kid. We were tough. When kids got killed, we did the arithmetic: 35 minus three - we got 32 kids in the class now.'
"And then, when an interviewer from the online magazine Salon asked how I could use that joke in the wake of Columbine, I told him, 'Boy, you need that joke more than ever now. The artificial weeping in this country, this nationwide mourning for dead people...and these ribbons and these teddy bears and these little places where they put notes to dead people and all this s-t [are] embarrassing and unnecessary, and it just shows how...emotionally immature the American people as a class are.'"
MC: "Double wow! Breathtaking callousness! Another ten-pointer that clinches the game for the Comedians! That means we won't need to hear from the third team member, Whoopi Goldberg. Too bad, because she's guaranteed to insult the intelligence! Join us next time on 'Showbiz Showdown' when the Comedians take on the always formidable Directors, led by Oliver Stone. Good night, America."