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Hilton's Slammer Syndrome

Until Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer attends to Paris Hilton's obsessive compulsive media attention disorder, or until her publicist appears at a press conference to explain her “medical condition,” we can only guess at the affliction that served to spring Paris's privileged posterior from the Los Angeles County jail.


Some common afflictions of the rich and shallow come to mind:


    Beverly Hills Nervosa: Incapacity to reside outside the 90210 zip code Follicle Phobia: fear of combing her own hair Congenital Servantitis: Catatonic state caused by separation from hot and cold running servants Media Aphasia: Inability to speak with anyone not wearing a press badge Jumpsuit Fever: Shortness of breath from wearing ugly clothing Disconjunctivitis: Inability to look at regular people Postparty Psychosis: Separation anxiety when deprived of room service Stockholm Syndrome: Addiction to Swedish masseuse Deep Vain Thrombosis: Compulsive need for a mirror Hyperactive Credit Card: Incurable Rodeo Drive shopping fetish Munchausen's Syndrome: Inability to function in a room without a minibar Evian's Disease: Inability to swallow tap water Wolfgang Puck Neurosis: Refusal to eat at an uncatered event Viral Celebrity Psychosis: Spending excessive time with a publicist and hangers-on Spinal Muscular Atrophy: Inability to do the time when she did the crime

Hilton left jail after serving only three days of a 45 day sentence for two probation violations related to convictions for driving under the influence.   


As someone who's practiced criminal law in L.A. County and served as a volunteer chaplain in the California women's prison system, this one doesn't pass the smell test. Early release is common when the jails are overcrowded, but early release for a medical condition is not.

Hours after L.A. County Sheriff Lee Baca's office sent Hilton home under house arrest for "an undisclosed medical condition," the sentencing judge ordered her to appear in court at 9 a.m. Friday morning to decide if she should go back to jail without collecting $200.

Hilton arrived late quite late for her court appearance, which didn't set well with the judge who made quite clear that he doesn't love Paris in the spring time, and he wasn't happy with the sheriff for springing her.


Court insiders reported that Hilton looked disheveled, wasn't wearing makeup, and cried throughout the hearing. When the judge ordered her back to jail to serve all 45 days of her sentence, she screamed, "It's not right"! 


So there's no breakfast at Tiffany's and diamond-studded tracking bracelet for Paris.  Not a bad Arc de Triump for equal justice under law.


Jan LaRue, Esq. is a member of the Culture and Media Institute's Board of Advisors.