April 1, 2007

(Vol. Twenty; No. 7)

April Fools Edition!
 

Downside of Surge’s Success
"These first few weeks since the Iraq surge started, the number of deaths in Baghdad has plummeted by an astonishing 85 percent. But on the downside, some analysts worry this could ultimately embolden America to overstay its welcome and provoke greater bloodshed down the road." — Chief Foreign Correspondent Lara Logan reporting from Baghdad on the April 1 CBS Evening News.	| |

Worse Than Watergate?
"I’m Katie Couric. Tonight, more trouble for the Bush White House. This part-time groundskeeper says he was fired as part of a political vendetta. We’ll have the latest....Hi, everyone. While controversy still swirls over the firings of eight U.S. Attorneys, tonight a new headache for the White House. A 20-year old man who cut the grass at many well-known D.C. landmarks says he was fired because he opposes the war in Iraq. The White House claims it doesn’t know anything about it and referred all questions to the private landscaping company that the young man worked for. But Democratic senators are crying foul tonight, demanding a full investigation. Our White House correspondent Jim Axelrod has all the late-breaking details...." — Katie Couric beginning the CBS Evening News, April 1.	| |
"The statement released by your company was extremely harsh, saying at one point, ‘James was not fired because of his political views, but was terminated because he frequently did not show up for work, and when he did show up he was often intoxicated.’ Why, why did you feel the need to smear this young man just for speaking out against a war that has cost so many young lives?" — Couric to landscaping company executive Horace Quinn later on the same show.

CNN’s Gray Eminence

Host Larry King: "So you are the D.A. in New York City?" Former Senator Fred Thompson: "Well, Larry, actually I just play the District Attorney on NBC’s Law & Order." King: "My point, what I’m trying to get at is, what’s the deal with these U.S. Attorneys firings, eight attorneys all fired at once. Just unprecedented, nothing like it has ever happened before, right?" Thompson: "Well, Larry, not really. Back in ‘93, Janet Reno fired all 93 U.S. Attorneys...." King: "Reno, huh? She’s the one that had those Dance Parties in the basement, right?" — Exchange on CNN’s Larry King Live, April 1.

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Rudy Giuliani, the Anti-Clinton?

"Character should play a great role in the 2008 campaign, and it’s not the time or place for a President like Rudy Giuliani. His multiple infidelities in office, his volcanic temper taken out in purple rages on defenseless aides, the dictatorial umbrage he took at people who dared to criticize him, the petulant and polarizing way he dealt with ethical investigations. We haven’t faced that toxic combination in our recent history, and we don’t need it now." — Newsweek’s Jonathan Alter, April 1 edition.

Admiring Al Gore’s Mighty Sword
Meredith Vieira: "Joining me now is a man who could claim many titles. He’s a movie star whose celebrity wattage is greater than Angelina Jolie at an orphanage, and Time recently called him ‘a climate warrior who uses a sword of enlightenment to bravely slash through the fog of ignorance.’ Good morning, Mr. Vice President." Ex-Vice President Al Gore: "Nice to be here, Meredith." Vieira: "Mr. Vice President, now that the scientific consensus is in, and everyone, except for a certain fringe element, believes that we are indeed in a climate crisis, should the deniers even be allowed to stand in the way of, you know, environmental progress?" Gore: "Well, of course everyone believes in free speech. But we are now in a planetary emergency, and we cannot afford the luxury of allowing the oil and coal industry to prop up their surrogates in the lying right-wing media." — Exchange on NBC’s Today, April 1.
Co-host Harry Smith: "Last week, former Vice President and Oscar winner Al Gore took Capitol Hill by storm, dazzling senators with his expertise, and today he joins us. Mr. Vice President, what do you say to those who still doubt that climate change is the Earth-destroying crisis that you and every environmentalist group says it is?" Al Gore: "Harry, if your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the crib’s on fire, you don’t speculate that the baby is flame retardant. You take action."	| |
Smith, chuckling: "I know a lot of moms out there are nodding their heads. Speaking of action, any tips for viewers who want to reduce their own carbon footprint?" Gore: "Well, I try to use my personal jet only for important trips. We gas up our fleet of SUVs only after sunset, and the thermostat in my 10,000 foot mansion is set at 68 degrees when Tipper and I aren’t there." Smith: "Boy, I wish I could cut back like that." — CBS’s Early Show, April 1.

Al Gore, Incandescent Genius

"Gore is so visionary he can be cartooned as the man with the light bulb of an ingenious idea over his head — not the incandescent kind, of course, which should be banned, just as Gore says." — CNN’s Miles O’Brien on American Morning, April 1.

Dictators’ Broadcast Network
Diane Sawyer: "More on my recent trip to mysterious North Korea. We’ve all heard the Western media’s stories about President Kim Jong-Il — the political oppression, starvation, concentration camps for political prisoners. So I wanted to get to know Kim Jong-Il, the man. It turns out, he’s very much a fan of American movies. [Clip of Sawyer interviewing Kim] Is it true, you love American films? I read that you like Godzilla and the James Bond series."	| |
Kim Jong-Il, through translater: "Oh, yes. I enjoy the allegorical nature of Godzilla — America is the behemoth destroying everything in her path." Sawyer, back live: "He also told me he hopes Pierce Brosnan returns for another Bond movie. Kim Jong-Il, a passionate movie critic who is not afraid to flaunt his unconventional cinematic taste. In the next half hour, you’ll hear what he has to say about American Idol. Does he like Jordin Sparks, or teen heartthrob Sanjaya Malakar?" — ABC’s Good Morning America, April 1.
Co-anchor Martin Bashir: "How do you find him [Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez] as an individual, as a man?" Barbara Walters: "Well, he’s very dignified. He was warm, friendly, and huggable. You’d want to pronounce his name ‘Hug-oh,’ but it’s actually ‘Ooo-go,’ like the oohs and aahs he draws from the Venezuelan people. He was very personal and uncensored. He talked about how hard his life was, that he wished he could be in love. But you can’t love just one woman while you are heading a Latin American revolution." — ABC’s Nightline, April 1.

Jack’s On to Our Scheme

"Well, the right-wing nuts are trying to tar and feather Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama because his middle name is Hussein and he studied Islam when he was in grade school. Yes, I guess that makes him a potential terrorist and someone to tag on the Patriot Act’s computer watch list. What’s next? People with too many vowels in their name or who rented Lawrence of Arabia at their local Blockbusters?" — CNN’s Jack Cafferty, The Situation Room, April 1.

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Meredith’s Real American Idol

Meredith Vieira: "Later, we’ll talk to that little crying girl from the audience in last week’s American Idol....She cried during Sanjaya’s performance; it reminded me so much of myself when I was her age watching the Beatles." Matt Lauer: "Yeah, I’ll bet. Speaking of American idols that get the girls squealing, in our next half-hour, we’ll be talking to Senator Barack Obama." Vieira: "Oh, he’s dreamy. He can sing to me any day." Lauer: "Easy there, Meredith." — Exchange on NBC’s Today, April 1.

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Quite the Dynamic Duo

Keith Olbermann: "David, tell us about the blockbuster you’re reporting in the next issue of The Nation." The Nation’s David Corn: "Keith, multiple sources tell me that in the early summer of 2003, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame devised a plan to capture Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri. It involved luring them to a private room at a men’s club in Peshawar with the promise of a lap dance from Plame. While she was entertaining them, Wilson would have burst into the room and subdued both terror suspects with his bare hands. Tragically, Robert Novak outed Plame before the plan could be carried out." Olbermann: "More proof the Wilsons are true patriots." — MSNBC’s Countdown, April 1.

Fear Bush, Not Bin Laden

Co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck: "How do you explain that, you know, there is video footage of planes flying into the World Trade Center and, and Osama bin Laden was caught on video boasting about these attacks-" Co-host Rosie O’Donnell: "Okay, Elisabeth, you have to stop. You have to stop. You can’t just blather on about your opinion because this is my show." Hasselbeck: "But how do you explain-" O’Donnell: "Elisabeth, you are very young and you are very wrong. Don’t fear the terrorists. George Bush is a far greater threat to our lives than Osama bin Laden, who is a devoted husband and father." — Exchange on ABC’s The View, April 1.

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World’s Greatest Pretzel (Almost)
"It was five years ago today that President Bush famously passed out from choking on a pretzel in the White House. I have to ask, given what we know now, if Bush choked himself into the arms of Jesus that night, wouldn’t that pretzel now be seen as worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize?" — Bill Maher on his HBO program Real Time, April 1.	| |